Changed.

            I have not written a blog post in a long time.  I just didn’t have the words to say for most of the time.  I should warn you that this post is going to very vulnerable. I will also be mentioning parts of the song “Changed” by Rascal Flatts, which is why I provided the lyrics below.  I do not like being vulnerable but I feel God is calling me to be more vulnerable and write this. If you allow me, I am going to be pretty honest with you.  That was your warning; you can stop reading now if you do not want to hear some real truths.
                September of this year started a bad time in my life.  I moved off to college at the end of August and I told myself that I would be fine and I wouldn’t “be like everyone else”.  Going off to college and making bad choices was the biggest fear I had.  It was also my main goal to not make bad choices and you know what? I faced my fear and I failed.  I failed big time. No, I didn’t do the stereotypical things that other students do when they go off to college. I didn’t party and get drunk or anything like that but in reality what I did is no different and no better or worse than the students that do.  I made my own form of bad choices and decided because of things going on in my life that I was going to be mad at God. Yes, as bad as that hurts to admit, it is true; I was mad at God. I ran away from God, as far away as I could get. The only time in my life that I have ever been further was when I didn’t have salvation. 
            I moved off to college and realized that I didn’t know how to live on my own.  I was always dependent on other people.  I also did not have much of a teenage life because I was always helping my parents take care of my little sister.  I didn’t have many friends in high school and the ones I did have we hung out mainly in school or band.  I did not know how to function on my own and it was scary.  Instead of trying to be bolder and make friends, I was shy and shut people out.  I did not know how to really make friends nor have friends.  Because of all of this along with other problems that I didn’t deal with in my life built up, I chose to be mad at God and make bad choices.  It is not easy at all to admit that I was mad at God. I let the devil have a hold of me. As the song changed says “The things I’ve done, man that was not me”. 
            During the time that I was away from God, I never stopped going to church.  I actually went to church more than I do now.  I say this only to tell you that it was also not pleasing.  I was a very fake person during that time. Everything was a blur and I still don’t remember a lot that went on.  I would go to church because that was what I was supposed to do but I was so fake and made people think that I was still the same person.  I was not following God at that time.  I was also such a different person.  I did not have joy anymore and I was not always the nicest person either.  I put on a good face though.  I tried to mask out everything to people.  I couldn’t let people know that I wasn’t okay because I was supposed to be a strong Christian and follower of God.  People always gave me that title and I felt as if I were put on a pedestal many times and couldn’t live up to that. I fail often, we all sin.  I felt as it was too much pressure to be a follower of Jesus and I cared way too much about what other people thought of me.
            After a few months of being away from God and living in sin and bad choices, someone invited me to go to a youth retreat called Vida Nueva, which I will refer to as “VN”.  I wanted to go to VN because I had always heard about it and it was at camp.  I just thought of it more as normal church with some friends; little did I know God had a plan and it was just what I needed.  VN was a life changer.  Vida Nueva is held Friday- Sunday.  When I got to VN on Friday, I was very excited to be at camp and see everyone.  Then we started the actual bible things and things to do with God.  I shut it out. I told myself that I didn’t need that and I didn’t know why I was there.  Then Saturday came along, which was my breaking point.  God really got a hold of me on that Saturday, November 3^rd, at VN.  The Holy Spirit convicted me and let me know that I couldn’t live that life anymore.  God had great plans for me and needed me to follow Him and be obedient and serve the Lord in all that I do.  It was a super emotional time and I had to wrestle with God a lot. 
            I had a lot of forgiving to do at this time and we had a time set just for forgiveness at VN.  I had to forgive my parents for the things that I thought they did wrong.  I had to forgive friends that had made me mad or betrayed me.  I had to pray that I would let this all go and come back to God.  It is not easy forgiving someone, especially with many years of things built up, but it is necessary to grow closer to God.  Matthew 6:15 says, “But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”  If we do not forgive people, it limits what God can do in our lives.
            I realized at VN I had a lot of work to do, I had to get back with God and grow closer.  I also had to work through the hurt from my past and deal with it instead of pushing it away.  I had put up many walls in my life and I had to start learning how to break them down.  The healing process was not easy.  As I worked through things it was very hard because I had to dig them back up and remember the pain.  I felt that because of my past I was not lovable and this was a huge struggle for a long time.  I stopped allowing people to love me for many months after VN.  I was terrified of people touching me.  I associated all touch with love and I didn’t live love so I wouldn’t allow people to touch me even with a simple hug.  I freaked out often and had some anxiety issues during it all.  I couldn’t stand being around many people for long periods of time, either.   Anything with love, especially God’s love hurt me because I was against love. 
           When I came back from VN, that Wednesday after November 7^th, I decided that I was done with the choices I was making and I had to learn how to live my life and follow God and do my best to glorify Him in all things.  A short time after that, I decided to try the BCM at college again.  In the past I had shut it out because I didn’t give it a chance.  Now, I don’t know what I would have done without the BCM.  When I came into the BCM I was still so broken and at my low point.  I had turned away from the bad choices but I still had to recover from hurt and things and I had to build my relationship with God again and get my life back.  The people at the BCM were so welcoming and caring.  They decided to be my friends even in the rough time.  God used many people at the BCM to help me through my struggles.  They were also very respectful and understanding of different things with me not liking love and touch. 
            A certain handful of people stuck with me and helped me every step of the way that I met at the BCM.  They taught me how to have friends and be a friend.  They taught me that it was okay to be real with people and cry.  They also taught me how to learn to accept love.  I am very thankful for each one of my friends from the BCM that all had roles in helping me heal and recover.
            The most important part of all of this is that I grew so much closer to God and learned so much.  I learned that I do not have to be who everyone expects me to be or wants me to be; I only have to be who God wants me to be.  It doesn’t matter what people say or think, it’s only what God says or thinks.  I have to do my best to live my life daily for God and glorify Him in all things while serving and striving to further His kingdom. I’ve learned that I have to be bolder as a person and in my faith.  I learned how to be able to build relationships with people and reach out to others.  I have many new perspectives on things and a whole new attitude and personality. 
            As the song from Rascal Flatts says “Ive changed for the better more smiles, less bitter I even started to forgive myself.” I have changed more in the past six months than I have in years.  It is all only because of God.  God has done some amazing work in my life these past six months. Please continue reading to hear what He has done.  It is the most important part of this whole blog post.
             This all started because of walls I had up and because I didn't trust God or didn't forgive people. If we don't forgive others, God doesn't forgive us. I had to do a lot of forgiveness this year. With that I was able to allow God in more. The bad thing is though, as I was trying to break down walls, I was only building stronger walls. I had walls for people because I didn't like love. I had walls where people couldn't come into my life. I had walls because I was realized how hurt I had been my whole life and was fearful of that happening again. As I tried to work through things and understand them the hurt would come up and I just built more walls. People even knew I had walls. They had "rules" for me.  Be careful around Sierra, she breaks easily.
               Well it's time for all that to stop. I’m trying my best to break down the walls that I had put up and be open to people and more open for God to use. Being scared isn't going to get me anywhere. I'm done with people being careful around me. I’m done with being seen as different to people in a bad way. The walls do not need to be up for people. Yea physical touch isn't my favorite anymore but it’s okay. I'm strong enough with the help of God that I can deal with it and at times I do still need a hug and stuff. People need to be able to hug me when they want to. If I don't allow them to do things like that, it is more walls. I also have to get rid of the walls of love.  I had to work on that with God for a long time. Because of life happenings I felt that I couldn't be loved. I had to relearn to accept love and break that wall. If I have walls up, that's not going to help anything; it's going to hurt my witness. If I have walls up myself I can't be used by God in the ways He wants to use me. It puts limits on God.
                Today marks the six month mark of being recovered from the bad choices I have made and coming back to God.  I have changed so much and I am so thankful God has changed me and grew and strengthened me.  I still have a long ways to go and I always will.  We need to always be striving to be more like God.  We run away from God, but God is constant.  God is always there for us.  I’m so blessed and thankful that I had good Christian people in my life that pointed me back to God and on the right track.  If you are reading this, I ask of your prayers.  As I said I still have a long way to go.  I would love for you to pray for me in this journey of life to continue to strive daily to serve God and allow God to use me in mighty ways.  I also ask of your prayers for me this summer as I work at Worldsong again and be used by God to impact the lives of many children. 
                 I did not write this for sympathy or anything like that.  If it was up to me, I wouldn’t have written it because I do not like to admit the bad choices I made and everything.  God asked me to be more vulnerable and write it, so I did.  I am by no means proud of what I did and at times it is still painful to think about turning my back on God but as the song says “I’m changed for the better…. I am even starting to forgive myself.”  If I could go back in time, I wouldn’t want to live through everything again but I also wouldn’t change it.  I know that I went through what I did for a reason and I grew and learned so much from it.  I know that God will use it and use me to help others and glorify Him through it. 

Sorry this was so long. Thanks for allowing me to do what God asked and be honest with you guys. Please feel free to comment or message or text me and give me your feedback. Please keep me in your prayers. I love you all J

 Changed Lyrics By Rascal Flatts

I came up out of the water
Raise my hands up to the Father
Gave it all to Him that day
Felt a new wind kiss my face
Walked away, eyes wide open
Could finally see where I was goin'
It didn’t matter where I been
I’m not the same man I was then.

Chorus
I got off track, I made mistakes
Back slid my way into that place where souls get lost
Lines get crossed
And the pain won’t go away
I hit my knees, now here I stand
There I was, now here I am
Here I am
Changed

I got a lot of “hey I’m sorry's”
The things I’ve done, man that was not me
I wish that I could take it all back
I just want to tell 'em that
Tell 'em that

CHORUS

I’ve changed for the better
More smiles, less bitter
I even started to forgive myself

I hit my knees, I’m here, I stand
There I was, now here I am
Here I am, here I am
I'm changed
Yes, I am
I’m changed for the better

Thank God, I'm changed.